The death of a beloved presence

Suicide and Depression is all over the news this week with the sudden departure of the well loved Robin Williams. Like all deaths of a beloved presence, Facebook went to work as the masses expressed his or her way of condolences and responses to the news.

I remember reading a post that started light on one subject and ended with a quick mention of Robin Williams and how it saddened her like many others. Before I could respond, I saw a comment show up. I understand everyone has the ability to express themselves, but the comment struck a severe nerve with me. The overall message was R.W. had all the money and resources in the world to treat this “problem” and it is a selfish act.

Yes, I agree that it is a selfish act and Yes, he did have all the money and resources in the world to treat him of his problems – but as an individual who suffers from depression to the point of contemplation of the ultimate path, who has known individuals who are depressed, or was so depressed they chose that path – it is at times never enough. Not all the money and resource in the world could help this beloved soul.

Depression can be controlled but it comes with a cost – whether it is prescriptions (or substance abuse), programs to therapy or shutting down. It is a tolling effect on the body, mind, aura, and everyone around them. And sometimes it is never enough. Sometimes that person cannot find that right drug, program, or therapy, and resort to destructive substances and behaviors as it is the only way they can cope – to continue with life. Sometimes they cannot afford the help that is available and other times, they can try all the resources available to them that once worked, and now it doesn’t.

Depression is a scary subject as it is not something that has set rules and guidelines on how a person will feel and how it can be treated. Depression to me will differ from depression from you. I can put on that mask of ‘I am okay’ but I will shut down. I will push everyone away. I do not like me, for being me. And I do not know how to make it stop. All the advice in the world will sound good, but alone with my thoughts – I hate myself. Everything about myself. I can always slip back and be enveloped by my dark cloud even after the most joyous events. I have depression, but I have a system to battle this problem within me.

I remind myself to take one day, hour, minute, or second at a time when my dark cloud is present. I consider all life that can be or is effected by my presence. Since there are no finances that can assist me in this internal struggle – I keep myself busy. Anything to pull my mind away from me. Volunteering to help others as I cannot help myself or just ramble in writing. Talk to that one person that has an open ear or have them talk to me when I say nothing.

I know that some people may not have a system like mine, but as I said, this is my system. I have worked out and tweaked this system for many years. Sometimes my system works, other times only parts will work. It is always a test to find that solution.

From one sufferer to maybe another – know that while I cannot give you that one piece of advice that will fix everything – know that there is always hope. You are something to someone. Anyone. Even that one person you might have passed and never knew it. You, not a part of this world, will still have an effect on someone. Find your own system as there are many ways to get help. It takes time and will always take time. Don’t give up.

In the departure of this post, I leave with a video. This individual, in my mind and maybe others, hits close to home as someone who battles with this internal struggle and as a by-standard.

M

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